That’s right I lost my happy, I am not sure where it went or when I lost it. For a long time I thought it was like that missing sock, stolen by little elves in the middle of the night and stored with the other missing things of the world. The first time I remember thinking about not feeling generally happy was during graduate school. I was in my second year a working 7 days a week between my full time job, my internship and classes. This is also the first time I ever really expressed not feeling happy.
The Moment of Ah-Ha
There I was sitting in my internship supervisors office and crying uncontrollably. What she told me I will forever remember. It wasn’t the secret to finding happiness and it sure was not advice on how to handle my life. It was my moment of “ah ha”. She told me master’s of social work programs break you down to build you back up as a social worker. I began to apply this to my life. At the time I was entering my mid twenties, and I realized that I was at a point in my life where I was being turned into to someone else, to the woman I was meant to be.
The bigger question began, what kind of woman did I want to be? Whats really important to me? These were not simple questions with simple answers and it took me years to have any idea. In my search for my happy I realized that I was doing a lot of thinking about what I did not have. The things that my life lacked. A well paying job, a serious relationship and children that I envisioned I would have by the time I was 28. I was not thinking about these things in a productive or welcoming way. All my focus was on the fact that I did not have them. This caused a version of my self that today I don’t recognize, not only was I sad but I was also angry and bitter. It was an ugly version of myself.
The (Beginning) of the Shift
I made the conscious decision to think positive. To expend all of the energy I had on being thankful, finding the positives in my life. I focused on doing more of the things that make me happy. This took some self reflection which is uncomfortable because I realized that just as I was now choosing happiness, before I was choosing misery. It’s was not easy to really look at myself, to see where I gave up the ownness in my life.
Old Habits Die Hard
Old habits are hard to break and changing the way I was thinking proved to be much more challenging then changing the way I eat or continuing a work out routine. I spend a lot of time teaching others how to change their thought processes. Helping myself proved to be a million times more difficult, I was the worst client. Staying positive was easy when everything was good, when good things were happening. It was so much more challenging when people I loved got engaged or pregnant, those old feelings of jealously crept back up and threatened my happy.
Stepping Up My Happy Game
I began to realize I needed more then to just “be positive”. I needed to really make a change in my life. Thankfulness and acknowledgement became a part of my daily life. Daily, I reminded myself of what I was thankful for and acknowledged amazing events that occur everyday in my life no matter how little. Not only was I reminding myself daily of the abundance in my life already but I was also reminding myself everyday of my goals. It was not long before I began to see my life improving, I had found my happy and it was attracting good things to my life. It has effected everything from my relationships to my career and now even when I have set backs I think “well I guess that wasn’t meant to be”. My faith that I will be happy is stronger then ever, I am choosing happy.
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